The Truth About Sex By Lauren Zander
I’m about to bring up a subject matter that even today still turns adults into tweens. Ready? Here it is. I want to talk to you about your sex life. In fact, I’ve got a bunch of questions for you. Take a deep yoga breath and answer the following:
If you are in a committed relationship right now, how is the sex? Good? Bad? Meh?
If you were going to actually and honestly rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10, including frequency, intimacy, passion and just overall satisfaction and freedom with it, where would you say you are on the scale?
Do you feel safe to talk about sex with your partner?
Has your sex life gotten better over time or become more boring?
If you asked your partner, what would they say?
Do you even want to know their answer?
Though you may think that by not sharing your real thoughts about your sex life, you are sparing your partner’s feelings, but, truth is, you more than likely will end up resenting them. Honestly, it’s more hurtful to conceal the truth, than to gracefully tell it. No matter what your inner-tween tries to sell you. It’s actually quite the opposite. Telling the truth causes intimacy.
YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE WITH YOUR PARTNER STARTING TODAY
Do I have your attention yet? Come on, don’t be embarrassed. I mean every day people ask for exactly how they want their Starbucks coffee. Right? Grande nonfat, triple shot, extra hot, no foam latte. You can order that from a total stranger, but you won’t say a word to your partner about what you want in the bedroom?
Let’s change that right now.
Here’s how it works. You are going to sit down with your partner and rate your sex life. Both of you. I’m not talking about criticizing each other or passing judgment. Just tell the truth about where you are on a scale of 1-10 (one equals poor and 10 equals mind-blowing). It’s important to admit where you are today, before you can figure out where you want to go. And it is my intention to help you move your rating up on that sex scale.
You and your partner will rate three major aspects of your sex life, one at a time. After rating each area, you will write down a brief explanation of why you rated the area the way you did. Once you’re both done with the three areas, you will sit down and discuss them with each other…
SEX RATING SCALE ASSIGNMENT
1) How well do we talk about sex with each other?
Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex with their partner, especially, if it involves discussing what they like or don’t like. By rating this area and explaining why you gave it that rating, you and your partner will see where you are both at on the scale, i.e. “I rate this a 3. I gave it a 3 because I’m embarrassed to talk to you about sex, so instead, I either joke or keep quiet about it.”
When you both know where you stand about your current sex life and why, it’ll help you understand each other better and allow you to be more open with each other when it comes to communicating about sex.
2) How do you feel about how frequently we have sex?
This rating is an objective way to look at a subjective issue. You are rating how you feel about the frequency you and your partner have sex. For example, you might rate it low because you believe once a week isn’t enough, while your partner rates it high because they think it’s the right amount. Again, after reading your responses aloud to each other, discuss how each of you feel about what you have just learned about the other. Then, negotiate what would work for both of you regarding frequency.
3) How is the quality of our sex?
This area is rated last because, obviously, it’s the most sensitive area. Although, you and your partner have no doubt vastly improved since question one, be sure to be sensitive to each other’s sensitivity. As charged as this area is, it also should lead to some real and necessary revelations.
For instance, you might discover that there’s actually something you do with your partner, which you thought they enjoyed, but it turns out that they don’t. You may discover that both you and your partner agree on what isn’t working, but have never discussed it (i.e. you’re both bored with the same sexual position). Often, after discussing this topic, couples magically (cough, cough) start to become more excited and creative.
Knowledge is the key to progress and success. It’s only when you’re willing to admit to what’s working or what’s not working, can you then get accountable for it, and fix it.
HAVE FUN DESIGNING YOUR SEX LIFE
After rating the areas and discussing everything above with your partner, use your ratings as a tool for you and your partner to talk about making positive changes in your sex life. It’s your job to be creative and figure out a way to boost your ratings in the 3 areas. This part should be fun. You are creating a new game.
Here are a few more things to think about and address when it comes to upgrading your sex life:
What do you want your sex life to look like?
How often do you want to have sex?
Make a weekly sex promise.
Have sex in other areas of the house beside the bedroom.
Throw some romance into the mix.
Keep an open mind about your partner’s ideas. If you are open, they will be open as well. This allows you both to feel safe when talking about your sex life. Also, remember a healthy relationship involves an element of compromise. Ultimately, you may not end up with exactly what you want, but I bet it’ll be more than what you have right now.
Lastly, make sure you both keep track of your ratings. This isn’t just one conversation. It’s an ongoing conversation. As your ratings go up, you’ll want to come up with new ideas to up your scores even more.
Having a rating of 10 in each of the three major areas would be something worth grounding your inner tween for, no?
love,
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